Sometime Around Midnight
by Elyssa Brown
Summary: Kaidan thought he was ready to move on. Turns out, he is nowhere near. Inspired by the Airborne Toxic Event's "Sometime Around Midnight." Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or the song "Sometime Around Midnight." Anything you recognize from either is not mine.**

**Author's note: Like I said in the summary, this fic is inspired by ATE's amazing song "Sometime Around Midnight." If you haven't heard it, you really need to before you read further. It'll make the whole experience infinitely better. It's also a really really good song, so even if you don't like my story, at least you'll gain a new favorite song from it :)**

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He was starting to move on. Every day was easier to wake up to, and he only thought about her when his mind wasn't focusing intently on whatever task was at hand, which admittedly, was still ninety-nine percent of the time. Some of his friends encouraged him to go out more, and he decided it was time to try seeing someone else. Nothing serious, not even dinner, just drinks. So when one of the Alliance doctors stationed on the Citadel asked Kaidan if he wanted to grab a drink after her next shift, he agreed. She was quite attractive, and he enjoyed the time they spent together when occasional assignments caused their paths to cross. He found that when he was with her, the ache in his chest lessened and Shepard's absence no longer completely consumed him. Given these attributes, Kaidan figured if anyone could help him get over Shepard, it would be the doctor.

She asked if they could meet at a late hour, and he didn't mind since he wasn't scheduled to be on duty until the day after. They were planning on meeting at a bar Kaidan had never heard of, and he arrived a little early to ensure he wouldn't miss her. It turned out his punctuality was unnecessary; the doctor contacted him over his comm to say she would be about a half hour late.

To pass the time, Kaidan made his way over to the bar and ordered a drink. He thought it would be a good idea to loosen up a bit before the doctor arrived. As he sipped, his mind began to wander, and he lost track of time and his surroundings.

It started sometime around midnight. Or at least that's when he lost himself to another night at another bar.

_He hadn't seen her for a few days. It was just after they defeated Sovereign and saved the Citadel and although everyone was given two weeks of shore leave, Shepard was kept busy with all the politics and press that follows greatness. She had managed to somehow get out of a meeting early and told Kaidan to meet her at Dry Dock, a little out of the way pub that was sure to be absent of any of the pushy reporters that always followed her. He'd been waiting for her in the glow of the bar lights when she walked in wearing a white dress that made him gasp. She'd always been so beautiful._

Kaidan blinked a few times when he realized he had been so caught up in his memory that he hadn't seen the doctor arrive, "Yoohoo, Kaidan, you there?" He looked up to meet her beaming face and smiled in return before noticing the dress she was wearing. White.

_Damn. _He shook his head to clear it. _Focus_, he told himself as the doctor ordered a drink. She began telling him about her shift while they waited on the barman to make her drink. She thanked him when he handed it to her and then returned to her story about a whiny patient she'd seen that day, "You'd think that getting shot at on a daily basis would toughen most soldiers up, but they all turn into babies at the sight of a needle." She laughed a little too loudly and clenched her drink a little tighter, noticing that although he nodded along, Kaidan wasn't really paying attention.

He was trying, really he was. He could feel her eyes on him and sensed that she was aware she wasn't the one occupying his thoughts. He couldn't control his mind though; he was too lost in his memory of Shepard. The room was suddenly spinning, and he found himself back at Dry Dock:

_Shepard walked up to him, and her lips spread into a wide grin, "How are you, Kaidan?"_

"_Better now that you're here."_

_She laughed, amused at his corny pick up line, "You know, I'm pretty much a sure thing. You can dial down the charm a little bit." She couldn't quite keep the corner of her lip from curling up in amusement._

_"What can I say? You bring out the romantic in me."  
_

_They found a table in a dark corner where they'd be undisturbed, and she told him about the different meetings she'd been in that day. "Udina really is impossible to deal with. And when I nominated Anderson for the position… Ah, I don't think he'll ever quite get over that."_

"_You did the right thing." Kaidan reached up and pushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear, "And I'm pretty sure Anderson has shown that he'll be able to handle any political drama Udina throws his way." They both smiled, picturing Anderson giving the opinionated human ambassador a long overdue punch to the face._

"_I really wish I'd been there for that one. You can't imagine the amount of satisfaction I'd get from doing the same thing." She rolled her eyes, no doubt recalling more of the ambassador's antics._

_The band began playing a slow song, and their amusement faded away as Kaidan reached out to Shepard's hand resting on the table, "Dance with me?"_

_He held her closely as they slowly swayed with the music. Only a few inches shorter than he, she was able to rest her head on his shoulder. He inhaled, catching the scent that was so distinctly Shepard, and couldn't keep his body from reacting. Nor could he keep her from noticing._

"_What do you say we get out of here?"_

"_I'd love to."_

_Later that night, as she lay naked in his arms, he thanked whatever deity or trick of fate that had brought them together._

That last image flashing through his mind did him in. Anyone standing around him immediately noticed the sudden change in his emotions, and the doctor wondered why he ever agreed to see her when he was so obviously incapable of even pretending to be interested. Kaidan was completely impervious to it all as his mind was hit with wave after wave of memories of the first time he ever saw Shepard, the tortured look on her face after losing Ashley, the few hours they spent together before Ilos, her silhouette as she crawled out of the wreckage after the defeat of Sovereign. He remembered her curling up in his arms after the first time he woke her from one of her many nightmares. She told him they weren't uncommon, but that they were better since she'd known him. He realized after that night that she needed him as much as he needed her.

And now, she was gone. He felt so lost without her and completely disconnected from everyone and everything around him. It was as if she had died only yesterday. He knew meeting the doctor at the bar was a mistake. He wasn't ready for this; he wasn't ready for any of it. How could everything just go on without her? Shepard gave her life for the galaxy, and within a week everyone except him had forgotten. It made him sick.

He had to get out of there. As he opened his mouth to blurt out some excuse to the doctor, he saw that she was no longer sitting in front of him. She was across the room, talking intently with someone else. Kaidan noticed her just as she was looping her arm through her companion's. As the couple made their way out, she looked directly at him as if to say, "See? _I_ won't be sleeping alone tonight."

He couldn't take it anymore. Everything reminded him of Shepard, of how he could never be with her again. He slammed his drink down, and left the bar, bumping into one of his friends in the doorway.

"Kaidan? Hey, I haven't seen you in while. How's life been treating you?" The man hesitated once he had a good view of Kaidan's face, a look of concern settling over his own. "What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Kaidan stared blankly at the man for a moment before brushing past, not really registering he'd been spoken to. He wandered the Citadel in the glow of the artificial lights, unaware of all the stares he was getting as he stumbled along.

He finally found his way back to his quarters and sank to the floor as the door closed, his world falling around him.

_I just have to see her, I just have to see her, I just have to see her, I just have to see her, I just have to see her_, he repeated over and over as he rocked back and forth to the rhythm of his thoughts.

He knew he would never see her again.


End file.
